I'm pretty sure you did a number on me. You had to have done so, in order for me to feel so repelled by the idea of ever touching that game again. So repelled by it, that I was convinced I wouldn't be able to even touch it again. A game that we shared, and made some memories with. Of course had our laughs and some long conversations in. We wasted time, and sometimes never even played the game... just sat there and talked and joked around. That's a deep scar I have to wear now. And when you left, it shook my world. It shook it, because I had shared so much of it with you. So much of it... reminded me of you. So I pushed myself to put distance between me and everything that I could to lessen the ache and to ease myself into... forgetting some part of you. That decision included staying away from this game. This rang true for damn near a year.

It's pathetic sounding. I'll admit. Who cares right? Well, I do. Did? :: sighs:: Who knows anymore. Anyway yesterday blizzard sent out a gift email. It was a boost to 90 and 7 days free play time. It really didn't phase me... I was, after all, done with it. I shook my head asking myself "Can I, really?"Yeah, I thought it was cool, but where would I find the fun in even those few days of playing? I began the update to the launcher and game and ran away from the computer, to try to think about something else. For hours... just  away. When I finally came back, the game was ready.  I knew I'd be given pause as I touched it. I knew that I wouldn't be able to move well. I know myself enough. And I was right.

I loaded the game... There it was, the gift boost. Yay me. Now what? I switched servers. From Silvermoon to Arathor. Back and forth. Dozens of times. Wondering... what to delete... what to boost... Why should I? I tried to think of what fun things I could do... and they all tasted bland. Dry, hollow. And they all reminded me of you. Three quarters of an hour passed, and I had not once logged in yet. I saw the toons I worked up with you and wanted to throw up. Why the fuck? Why can't I just... live? I have never been too keen on regretting things, and I work hard to not have to. But fuck... sometimes I wish amnesia was able to be controlled and aimed at certain things. There's been lots of things that have given me great discomfort in dealing with them, and many that I avoid just because of the memories and emotions. I ask myself... if I am such a horrible person, why the hell did I get so much time to share so much of myself with someone? It just does not make sense.

Time goes past an hour when I finally convince myself to log in. An Arathor realm toon. I had forgotten some of the things I had done or where I was. That didn't last. As soon as I logged in, to an alt.... I saw where I was... it was the last place I had been, the last time I spoke with you in that game. And to make it worse... An in-game message popped up. Telling me something as if to make my situation a slight less bearable: ~Your reputation with your guild has dropped by 41999. Your are now neutral with your guild.~ I asked myself "What the hell?" And then it dawned on me. I was in your guild. Then the memories of how I woke up one day and logged in and found myself kicked out of your guild, removed from your friends on there as well. I said to myself.. no... Why do you have to do this? And then I stumbled through my skype and to find some sort of farewell from you. Again. Good times... right? I mean why remember such painful details of something so unpleasant? I don't know.

So there it is. I'm aching inside... not moving. not clicking anything. Just reading that horrid, merciless message. I log out. I switch servers quickly and sign into my old toons on Silver moon. I thanked god I never played those toons with you. Nor shared my guild with you. That would have brought me to tears. Yet... I knew there was something, some remnant of you somewhere. And I knew where. Something pleasant, yet painful. So I went looking for it just to get some sort of a smile. I logged out and switched again to my main on Arathor... the message again: ~Your reputation with your guild has dropped by 41999. Your are now neutral with your guild.~  Yes. Thank you... I am... quite aware of that.  I go to my bank... and sure enough... there it is. A copy of a letter you had sent me in game. I smiled. It was short, kind. Your nature of cute. A little nothing, that to me, meant the world today. Because I needed that smile. To remember, something not so painful. I read it. Sighed. Closed it. Stored it again.  And logged out. I may have gotten a bit of strength from it. Maybe... but it wasn't for that moment. Maybe for a moment in the near future. I closed the game. The letter will remain there for as long as the game deems it. I might even get further soon.

Just... Not yet.

And you said that I ruined things for you. :: chuckles::... Right.