I've been crying a lot recently. Far more often in shorter lapses of time. Why?

Because my arm hurts.

I've let myself get this bad, and what? Blame me? If you must.

I never thought the singular person that I loved so dearly would bring me to the very point of just wanting my life to just end. To just stop. Slowly, creepingly I've gotten here. Letting things once important to me, just slip away, because my want and urge for them has all but faded. I write this here because no one will ever read this. Not one. And if they do, what? They had no idea I've felt this way. For year. And I don't blame them, but there it is. They simply just didn't know. Didn't see how I was descending. and even if they did... it wasn't on them to pull me up. I admit, that the mere gesture to try to pull me up, would, because it made me matter for those few seconds. I'm rambling. I'm scared. I hate things. I hate a lot. but I hurt more than I hate, and hate tires me. I needed you, Noel... I just needed you like you needed me. I needed to lean on you like I let you lean on me and you stepped aside. For whatever reason. I've been angry yes. Even now I'm crying because I felt so abandoned and disposed of. I needed you there. Urging me, smiling at me. Just... being there for me. as I tried to get back on my feet, from stumbling so much. I needed you. But... to pull the floor out from under me... and just like me plummet; That crushed me long before I would have ever hit rock bottom. And I haven't yet. And it looks like I'll simply die of weariness that's been drowning me, before I ever hit the bottom. Some promises are never meant to be broken. Because they break people. I stood by you, was there for you through everything that I could, and I trusted and believed you wanted that for mutually for us. I trusted you. I needed you. A lot of things led me to this point, but I cry the hardest from how heart broken I am that I've gotten this bad. I was stronger than this. Or so I felt. I was stronger than this, or so I thought. I'm co-dependent, to the degree that if my heart is hurt, there's not much else, because through it all, it still hurts. The things I've always valued are who I am. But being broken, punished and abused for it can only last so long before I crumbled. I... I can't stand up again. I can't slow my descent. And you were all I needed. You keeping your word, meant the world to me. Meant my life to me. Now I just hurt and sit in wait... for the pains to finally just take me and fade away. I cry. I wasn't strong enough for my Littlefoot. And I'll never forgive myself. From the moment that beautiful angel was born, she's been nothing less than my oxygen. And I've been suffocating for an inhumanly long time. I'm very tired. I'm ready to pass out now... Can I..?. please...?

I've been crying a lot lately.

because my arm hurts...